Best Tip Ever!

I know I usually talk about a lot of weird stuff. But today I feel inspired. I feel a little lighter about the world. I'm usually pretty cold hearted when it comes down to it. I never say I love you. I find this generic phrase is over used and/or not used appropriately. So call me what you want but I don't just throw the "L" word around. The other "L" word I do...as in lesbian.
Now where am I going with this? Well let's look at the title of this post. The best tip ever! So what was so amazing that made my cold heart melt to liquid heat? The answer. A gentleman and his son (probably four years old) came into my store today and before his father ordered his beverage the little boy pulls out a Spiderman sticker and says "This is for you." I thanked him with real graditude and said that Spiderman was amazing but he should check out X-Men and then I asked him if I should wear the sticker. He said if I felt like it I could. I said okay and took his father's money.
Then as they were walking to pick up the father's drink I decided that I would show the boy that I really liked what he gave me. So I said "Hey buddy, I am gonna wear it now." The kids face was one of utter shock, awe, and excitment. I was an adult that put on his childish sticker. I appricated it beyound belief. I made this kids day (or so I hope I did) and what he will never know is that he made mine. It's those little things that make me truly believe that the world just might be an okay place. There is hope.
The holidays are here. Channukah just ended and Christmas is around the corner. Holidays like Yule and Kwanzaa are over looked but they are still here and celebrated in their own ways.
I'm a big scrooge or grinch when it comes to all the smells, tastes, and sights of the holidays. I just don't like any aspect of it. But Spiderman Sticker kid might have given me a little holiday spirit. Let's be nice to our neighbors and families and our friends. Let's be nice to strangers and to everyone else.
Kind of makes me sick thinking about all this cheerful shit. Maybe I will start a little smaller. I will be nice to myself and see how it goes from there. World peace after self peace.
So this holiday season I ask everyone to give out their stickers and smiles and be like that four year old boy. And then maybe we can have world peace. But probably not. But it would still be nice to think it could happen.

Happy holidays UnRT readers. I love you all.
-Chelsea

If you're a fly gal, then get your nails done. Get a pedicure, get your hair did.

Today I decided to treat myself to a mani and pedi. (For those who don't know what this is, I will explain. It a place where they clean and polish your nails and massage your hands and feet. Some people choose to get there then clean nails painted. Still don't understand? Go ask your mom, she will know.)

Now I am sure a few of you are like really Chelsea? How girly of you? And my reply will be, I like to be pampered as much as the next person.

Back to the topic on hand. While I was not understanding what my nail person/technician lady was saying; there sat a little boy who was probably three or four. Now this little boy who we will call Ricky, because I thought that was what he looked like. He looked like a Ricky to me. Now Ricky sat in the giant pedicure chair (which is comfortable and massages your back) eating a donut (with white frosting and rainbow sprinkles), while he used his stuffed animal, that totally had a band-aid on its head, to prop his mother's phone, that he was using to watch SpongeBob SquarePants (yes that is the correct spelling). Now I know I have a few grandmas on this blog, so here is a picture if you dont know who Mr. SquarePants is. (And I swear I'm not creepy. I just like to people watch.)

When I was younger I use to have to make up my own fun when I went on errands with my mom. Either my sisters and I would play some sort of imaginary adventure game that would always end in tears because Linzi made all the rules and I never liked to listen to her. Or I would pretend I was on my own adventure. And each clothes rack was another jungle I had to fight through or a monster to battle.

I assume most of you don't know what I was like as a child, so you must understand one thing about child me. I was the kid who sat in the same cardboard box that I drew plane dashboards inside it, (so I could really push buttons) and had on an astronaut helmet that I talked through and thought that Huston was really replying back to me.

I was weird. But definitely more imaginative then any kid now a days.

It's your birthday.

Today my dog Zowie turned 10 aka 70 in human years. Lets all say happy birthday to the Bitch.

It's Contest Time

So I have been thinking that this blog is a little one sided. I creates this for you (my readers) and me. Well I guess you can say mainly me because I had no readers when I first started this blog, and who knows if I have any now; but that is another story.
I want to hear your uncensored thoughts. That's right blog world I am creating UnRT's first contest. Send your uncensored thoughts to me and the lucky winner will be featured on UnRT (plus there could be a better prize when I think of it). Also feel free to send me topics you want to hear me rant and rave about.

Email your entries to csilver18@gmail.com by December 21st.
I will announce the winner by December 31st. So get excited and start recycling your thoughts for me.
Happy blogging.

You, Me, and the Boys.

WARNING
Due to the nature of this blog post, I will be giving Aliases to the people in these storys.

Top Ten Favorite Stoner Moments with Buffy Summers, Tiger Woods, Pumpkin, and McD

10. When Tiger Woods' phone ended up in my room. When niether Tiger or I were there all night (plus I picked Tiger up that night.)

9. The continuous process of writing this blog.

8. When Buffy and I sat at the stop sign for ten minutes because she was waiting for it to turn green.

7. When I dumped all of Tigers' tree in the garbage can.

6. When I lost a bag with Buffy. Forever known as the G that will never come back. (Please refer back to Climbing the Mango Tree.)

5. Going to White Castle in a extreme rain storm with McD, Pumkin, and Tiger Woods. Worst idea ever.

4. When Buffy fell off the chair at 6 in the morning. Ripping my jacket and fracturing her rib all at the same time. What makes it even better is that I completely ignored the fact that she fell.

3.

2. When I totally spaced out at work for 30 seconds, while taking a customers order. Where did I go? I have no idea. But what I do know is that I liked it.

1. Bears on the golf course with Pumpkin and Tiger. Enough said.


These are my moments. Share yours with me or a friend. Happy blogging ladies (and I guess gents).

Animal Planet

Randomness should be my middle name. Today at work, two moms hit on me. Not like Sally has two mommies. But more like two different moms at two different times; totally hit on me for real. I have, Insert coffee shops name (for legal purposes) Groupie. What? If you don't get it I will rephrase it. I have a groupie, and she is a mom. Understand? Good. Seriously, she told me this.

Scenario: Making a drink for this groupie, she goes on to talk to me, maybe even flirt with me. Tells me she is my groupie and I must have more then just her. All the while her 3 year old daughter was grabbing at her arm. Now, I could have just imagined this all up. But in point when groupie mom left, my fellow coffee maker said "did that really just happen? Did that cougar really just flirt with you?"

Second point of reference: On my half, this Hippie Cougar spent 15 minutes talking to me. Set up location. Sitting in car smoking a cigarette in the back of the parking lot. Now why do I call her a Hippie Cougar. One because she was hitting on me. Two because she was totally baked out of her mind and smoking a cigarette. Now I know you are interested in what we talked about or more what she talked to me about. She went on about how I am her favorite barista. How I make her day, whenever she see that I am working when she comes in.

Crazy? Yes. What is going on here, and when did we get lesbian cougars in New City? Maybe my boyish good looks have attracted them? But the real question is, how does one capture a cougar? Do I hire someone? Or is it that I am to be captured? Isn't that the idea behind being the prey of a cougar.

The last fatal "animal" cougar attack was in 2008; Robert Nawojski, 55, male, New Mexico.

The last fatal Cougar attack was probably, right now all over the world. But probably in Orange County, California to some 16 year old male.

Now I am no mother fucker, but if the time comes, should I allow the cougar to pounce, sort of speak?

This is your brain on crack.

So today my mom took out the frying pan warmed it up and made me and my sisters watch her crack an egg in it. She then said this is your brain on drugs. I really don't have to say anything else, except that.

Jon and Hailey Plus 8 energy shots

So today I went to the gas station to get cigarettes and while I was waiting in line, in deep thought about how lame I was just 10 mintues before. See, at work I tried to flirt with this really hot girl that comes in all the time and I totally failed. But what made me loss attention towards my inablity to flirt at work was the energy shot shelf. I never had an energy shot before, but I have indulged in the bervages called energy drinks. What is the difference? I have no idea, but that is a whole other story.

This story is about a new energy shot I saw. An Ed Hardy one.

Does this mean that getting energy can now be stylish? Can I be just like Jon Gosselin and wear my Ed Hardy and drink it too? Does this energy shot mean that I am Tool, if I drink it? That is a strong possibility.

But my ultimate question is...If I start drinking, Ed Hardy Extra Strength energy shot, does that mean I can leave my wife for a younger woman (whether or not my wife is crazy is not the point)?

See, Jon Gosselin and I kind of have a relationship. He comes to my work establishment about as often as he see his own children, (once a month give or take). He always acts the same. Wears his shades, acts like he is to cool to tip, and leaves without saying thank you. I wonder if that is what he is like in bed? I will have to ask Hailey next time I see her.

Climbing the mango tree

To be a good squatter you must make your place of squatting one that is not occupied. Also you must mark the territory as your own.

When it comes to breaking and entering with a combination of squatting you must never leave anything behind. Of course if you do, you better hope it doesn't have your name on it. If it is something that can not be traced back to you, DO NOT go back for it.

Now I am not a squatter in some abandoned house. Although my neighbors house is technically abandoned, I am not living there. I have a residence.

In my house there are rules. As there are with anything in life ( although I do believe some people chose not to follow rules set by the norm, but still follow their own laws/rules of their own moral judgment. Hence forth everyone has rules).

See I am not one for breaking laws. Rules yes, laws not so much. Innocent things like driving over the speed limit and smoking weed. Things that people do.

Now in my town you have three options when you smoke weed. You can either smoke in your car, find a house to do it at, or go to a really sketchy place ( like the zoo or where you work). Or if you are lucky you have a lot of random semi-sketchy places that you call your second home.

An example of a sketchyplace, is smoking behind a bus in a random neighborhood. A semi- sketchy place would be an open field on a smallish hill surrounded by trees (if you have been there then you know what I mean).

I know I never go back to my original train of thought, but today I will. I have added a new rule in my life. Never drop a bag of shrub in a place you can't go back to. Lesson learned.

Its me! Mario.

Today I had the best chicken parm hero in the world. The bread, the meat, the cheese, the sauce...were a combination of heavenly delight in mouth. So amazing, and it is not too often that one can say that they have tasted such deliciousness. I do recommend it.

Now, while we are on the topic of Italian food; I must mention, Mario. As in Mario and Luigi from the greatest gaming system ever. Nintendo.

I was recently surfing the net (as we old people like to call it), looking at peoples tattoos. I came across a thousand and one (give or take) tattoos about Nintendo, Mario, and other gaming systems. It did not surprise me because once I want to get a Star Wars tattoo to pay tribute to the greatest saga known to the world (and possibly the universe). But because I am a semi rational person, I decided against it.

But you see, all these gaming tattoos made me think. Are these people really that obsessed with Mario, that they want to be reminded of it forever? Has Nintendo truly made that big of an impact in these people's lives? And if so, does a half sleeve of almost all the characters from Super Mario Bros. make sense?

See, I have this favorite pair of boxers and they happen to be Mario ones. But I know, because just like anything else that is worn to much, they fall apart and become useless. So if i wanted to have them forever, I guess I have three options:

1) Stop wearing them and just look at them every once and awhile.

2) Tattoo the boxers to my body so that I can wear them forever.

3) Wear them until they die and just remember them for the rest of my life.

Although option two does seem like the best option I just don't know how my future wife would feel about fucking someone with a Mario underwear type tattoo. So I guess in this case I am just going to wear the boxers until it dies.

The art of haircutting

So I get my haircut or at least I try to get my haircut once every two weeks. Which usually ends up being every three weeks because I usually forget when I last got it. (I like to keep my hair at a nice short length).

But recently I got a bad haircut. I did one of those stupid things where I was like; "Yeah I want a mohawk." But I didn't discuss it with anyone and just did it.

Some quick insight to me:

1) I always need to talk things out before I do it,

2) Because Chelsea and rash decisions don't usually mix (of course there are exceptions to this).

Well lets just say when I walked out of the haircut place for the first time in my life I was like, "Damn! This looks really bad." okay maybe the second in my life. But still I don't ever hate my haircuts.

So to make a long story short, I went home and had Maxi fix my hair. Now it looks better aka no more rat tail.

So where am I going with this? Well to be honest I really wanted to talk about girls and how they all think their haircut is original when really they all have almost the same haircut.

Girl A: "Look I just got bangs. Don't you like them?"

Girl B: "Um, I mean they kind of look like Girl C's bangs."

Girl A: "Oh no, mine totally go to the right. Girl C's bangs go to the left. See the difference."

Girl B: "Oh yeah I totally see that."

40 going on 16...

"Women, when they turn forty, should not wear bikinis. I don't want to see their wrinkles or their belly button...And it doesn't matter how hip and cool you think you are, serving alcohol to your underaged children doesn't make you hip and cool. It just makes you a criminal." -Quoted by Maxi

Of course Maxi continued to ramble on about belly buttons looking like donuts and So Lows (Spelling?) being called So Lows for a reason. But in her some what psychotic ramble of women who just don't act their age, she had a point.

Now if you ever lived in New City or perhaps a town like New City you would know that women that live here tend to not act their age. They tend to act more like the age of their teenage daughters. The mother of Regina George in the movie Mean Girls, is not a far off picture of what a New City mom might be like.

So now you are thinking, well hopefully you are, why I care? Is it that I have some psychotic mother who dresses like a whore on Halloween? Or that she talks like a blond who got hit on the head too many times?

No, I am lucky my mother is presentable to the public. The idea that I am trying to say is that an outside appearance doesn't mean everything. No, don't judge my cliche before I am finished. See there are plenty of mothers out there who dress presentable like my own and act their age in public. But when it comes down to it, when these pre menopause women get comfortable, they break down and becomes out of control 40 year olds going on 16.

Now we all love our mothers or at least I hope you do. But when this comfortable state takes place. It is like trying to control a five year old. It gets pretty scary, I won't horrify you with the details.

Further more on this topic, this does not make these women bad people for these acts. It is actually relieving to know that you can have some fun even if you get "old". It is when you take it the extreme that things get out of hand.

1. Sharing intimate sexual details with people half your age.

2. Trying to party with people half your age.

3. Trying so hard to be hip when really, people half your age just laugh at you for trying.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Answer: Customers that say too much.

Not sure if this is just at my work establishment or every where, but lets pretend for a second it is just mine (because it is in New City).

1. Customers who see you outside smoking on your break and tell you that smoking is bad for you. (Do I tell you that the venti mocha with whip cream and extra mocha that you get every day is bad for you?)

2. Customers who assume that you are stupid or unintelligent just because you work at a coffee shop.

3. Customers who question the drinks that you make them.

4. Customers who come in and think you can read their minds.

(Customer: Is this decaf?

Me: It wasn't mark decaf, but I will remake it for you.

Customer: Thank you very much.

Later on I ask the person at the register if that person ordered it decaf. Nine out of Ten times they did not order it decaf.)

5. Customers who think they can get free stuff by forgetting to order things when they pay. Such as Soy milk, extra shots and syrups.

6. Customers who think just because they see you every day they can tell you look like shit or that you gained weight or that you should gain/lose weight.

7. Customers who order 15 blended drinks at the same time but none of them are the same.

8. Customers who expect you to give them free coffee just because they are regulars. (Listen you don't tip, don't expect me to give you one of my free drinks.)

9. Customers who come in talking on their cellphones and look pissed when you ask them what they want to drink.

10. Customers who are down right rude to you for no reason.

Just New City or every where? You tell me.

Adventures in Baby-sitting (sort of)

So this is sort of a way to keep me (well hopefully) a little sane while I live and work in Rockland this year. While everyone I know (except maxi) is away from this town, I will be documenting my adventures in Rockland and all my thoughts on this crazy place. I am gonna try to update at least once a week, but if you know me, then you know I suck at keeping in touch. I guess even with myself. So don't change the channel, cause I will be back after this commercial break.