Jon and Hailey Plus 8 energy shots

So today I went to the gas station to get cigarettes and while I was waiting in line, in deep thought about how lame I was just 10 mintues before. See, at work I tried to flirt with this really hot girl that comes in all the time and I totally failed. But what made me loss attention towards my inablity to flirt at work was the energy shot shelf. I never had an energy shot before, but I have indulged in the bervages called energy drinks. What is the difference? I have no idea, but that is a whole other story.

This story is about a new energy shot I saw. An Ed Hardy one.

Does this mean that getting energy can now be stylish? Can I be just like Jon Gosselin and wear my Ed Hardy and drink it too? Does this energy shot mean that I am Tool, if I drink it? That is a strong possibility.

But my ultimate question is...If I start drinking, Ed Hardy Extra Strength energy shot, does that mean I can leave my wife for a younger woman (whether or not my wife is crazy is not the point)?

See, Jon Gosselin and I kind of have a relationship. He comes to my work establishment about as often as he see his own children, (once a month give or take). He always acts the same. Wears his shades, acts like he is to cool to tip, and leaves without saying thank you. I wonder if that is what he is like in bed? I will have to ask Hailey next time I see her.

Climbing the mango tree

To be a good squatter you must make your place of squatting one that is not occupied. Also you must mark the territory as your own.

When it comes to breaking and entering with a combination of squatting you must never leave anything behind. Of course if you do, you better hope it doesn't have your name on it. If it is something that can not be traced back to you, DO NOT go back for it.

Now I am not a squatter in some abandoned house. Although my neighbors house is technically abandoned, I am not living there. I have a residence.

In my house there are rules. As there are with anything in life ( although I do believe some people chose not to follow rules set by the norm, but still follow their own laws/rules of their own moral judgment. Hence forth everyone has rules).

See I am not one for breaking laws. Rules yes, laws not so much. Innocent things like driving over the speed limit and smoking weed. Things that people do.

Now in my town you have three options when you smoke weed. You can either smoke in your car, find a house to do it at, or go to a really sketchy place ( like the zoo or where you work). Or if you are lucky you have a lot of random semi-sketchy places that you call your second home.

An example of a sketchyplace, is smoking behind a bus in a random neighborhood. A semi- sketchy place would be an open field on a smallish hill surrounded by trees (if you have been there then you know what I mean).

I know I never go back to my original train of thought, but today I will. I have added a new rule in my life. Never drop a bag of shrub in a place you can't go back to. Lesson learned.

Its me! Mario.

Today I had the best chicken parm hero in the world. The bread, the meat, the cheese, the sauce...were a combination of heavenly delight in mouth. So amazing, and it is not too often that one can say that they have tasted such deliciousness. I do recommend it.

Now, while we are on the topic of Italian food; I must mention, Mario. As in Mario and Luigi from the greatest gaming system ever. Nintendo.

I was recently surfing the net (as we old people like to call it), looking at peoples tattoos. I came across a thousand and one (give or take) tattoos about Nintendo, Mario, and other gaming systems. It did not surprise me because once I want to get a Star Wars tattoo to pay tribute to the greatest saga known to the world (and possibly the universe). But because I am a semi rational person, I decided against it.

But you see, all these gaming tattoos made me think. Are these people really that obsessed with Mario, that they want to be reminded of it forever? Has Nintendo truly made that big of an impact in these people's lives? And if so, does a half sleeve of almost all the characters from Super Mario Bros. make sense?

See, I have this favorite pair of boxers and they happen to be Mario ones. But I know, because just like anything else that is worn to much, they fall apart and become useless. So if i wanted to have them forever, I guess I have three options:

1) Stop wearing them and just look at them every once and awhile.

2) Tattoo the boxers to my body so that I can wear them forever.

3) Wear them until they die and just remember them for the rest of my life.

Although option two does seem like the best option I just don't know how my future wife would feel about fucking someone with a Mario underwear type tattoo. So I guess in this case I am just going to wear the boxers until it dies.

The art of haircutting

So I get my haircut or at least I try to get my haircut once every two weeks. Which usually ends up being every three weeks because I usually forget when I last got it. (I like to keep my hair at a nice short length).

But recently I got a bad haircut. I did one of those stupid things where I was like; "Yeah I want a mohawk." But I didn't discuss it with anyone and just did it.

Some quick insight to me:

1) I always need to talk things out before I do it,

2) Because Chelsea and rash decisions don't usually mix (of course there are exceptions to this).

Well lets just say when I walked out of the haircut place for the first time in my life I was like, "Damn! This looks really bad." okay maybe the second in my life. But still I don't ever hate my haircuts.

So to make a long story short, I went home and had Maxi fix my hair. Now it looks better aka no more rat tail.

So where am I going with this? Well to be honest I really wanted to talk about girls and how they all think their haircut is original when really they all have almost the same haircut.

Girl A: "Look I just got bangs. Don't you like them?"

Girl B: "Um, I mean they kind of look like Girl C's bangs."

Girl A: "Oh no, mine totally go to the right. Girl C's bangs go to the left. See the difference."

Girl B: "Oh yeah I totally see that."

40 going on 16...

"Women, when they turn forty, should not wear bikinis. I don't want to see their wrinkles or their belly button...And it doesn't matter how hip and cool you think you are, serving alcohol to your underaged children doesn't make you hip and cool. It just makes you a criminal." -Quoted by Maxi

Of course Maxi continued to ramble on about belly buttons looking like donuts and So Lows (Spelling?) being called So Lows for a reason. But in her some what psychotic ramble of women who just don't act their age, she had a point.

Now if you ever lived in New City or perhaps a town like New City you would know that women that live here tend to not act their age. They tend to act more like the age of their teenage daughters. The mother of Regina George in the movie Mean Girls, is not a far off picture of what a New City mom might be like.

So now you are thinking, well hopefully you are, why I care? Is it that I have some psychotic mother who dresses like a whore on Halloween? Or that she talks like a blond who got hit on the head too many times?

No, I am lucky my mother is presentable to the public. The idea that I am trying to say is that an outside appearance doesn't mean everything. No, don't judge my cliche before I am finished. See there are plenty of mothers out there who dress presentable like my own and act their age in public. But when it comes down to it, when these pre menopause women get comfortable, they break down and becomes out of control 40 year olds going on 16.

Now we all love our mothers or at least I hope you do. But when this comfortable state takes place. It is like trying to control a five year old. It gets pretty scary, I won't horrify you with the details.

Further more on this topic, this does not make these women bad people for these acts. It is actually relieving to know that you can have some fun even if you get "old". It is when you take it the extreme that things get out of hand.

1. Sharing intimate sexual details with people half your age.

2. Trying to party with people half your age.

3. Trying so hard to be hip when really, people half your age just laugh at you for trying.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Answer: Customers that say too much.

Not sure if this is just at my work establishment or every where, but lets pretend for a second it is just mine (because it is in New City).

1. Customers who see you outside smoking on your break and tell you that smoking is bad for you. (Do I tell you that the venti mocha with whip cream and extra mocha that you get every day is bad for you?)

2. Customers who assume that you are stupid or unintelligent just because you work at a coffee shop.

3. Customers who question the drinks that you make them.

4. Customers who come in and think you can read their minds.

(Customer: Is this decaf?

Me: It wasn't mark decaf, but I will remake it for you.

Customer: Thank you very much.

Later on I ask the person at the register if that person ordered it decaf. Nine out of Ten times they did not order it decaf.)

5. Customers who think they can get free stuff by forgetting to order things when they pay. Such as Soy milk, extra shots and syrups.

6. Customers who think just because they see you every day they can tell you look like shit or that you gained weight or that you should gain/lose weight.

7. Customers who order 15 blended drinks at the same time but none of them are the same.

8. Customers who expect you to give them free coffee just because they are regulars. (Listen you don't tip, don't expect me to give you one of my free drinks.)

9. Customers who come in talking on their cellphones and look pissed when you ask them what they want to drink.

10. Customers who are down right rude to you for no reason.

Just New City or every where? You tell me.

Adventures in Baby-sitting (sort of)

So this is sort of a way to keep me (well hopefully) a little sane while I live and work in Rockland this year. While everyone I know (except maxi) is away from this town, I will be documenting my adventures in Rockland and all my thoughts on this crazy place. I am gonna try to update at least once a week, but if you know me, then you know I suck at keeping in touch. I guess even with myself. So don't change the channel, cause I will be back after this commercial break.